One Moment in Time
by Voyfemme
Summary: Summary: A look at some of the quiet moments that defined the relationship between Janeway and Chakotay during their fifth year in the Delta Quadrant JC, CT
1. Chapter 1

**Part 13: One Moment in Time**

Summary:

A look at some of the quiet moments that defined the relationship between Janeway and Chakotay during their fifth year in the Delta Quadrant (J/C, CT)

_Pairing:_J/C, CT _Rating_: PG-13 _Type of Story:_ Reflective_Level_: 3

* * *

**Part 13: One Moment in Time**

_**The Future**_

He found it there frozen on the floor of her quarters. It must have been thrown on impact, and as it was, it was preserved. He picked it up and gently wiped the frost off of it as if he had found a treasure, or maybe a talisman. Chakotay felt as if he could channel his spirit through it. Maybe it was just the ship, being here again, finally finding her after all these years of searching and looking, it was like a dream.

But in some ways it was a nightmare. The halls that once housed a family, now housed the dead, and the not so dead. There were ghost here, floating about, not all at peace by how this had ended. He was one of them. Part of him remained here and his ghost will always be here, on this ship, on Voyager, until they did what they had set out to do 20 years ago. The voices of the ghosts were muted, voices that only he could hear, mingled together to form white noise. Except for one ghost. One ghost's voice could be heard loud and clear above the rest…..

"_Get this crew home_." It was his thought but he heard it in her voice.

Chakotay closed his eyes and concentrated. He could feel the engines underneath his feet, the way that he had for five years fifteen years ago. He could hear the muted voices of the crew as they went along the corridors and he could still feel _her_. Kathryn's energy, her spirit had always been a part of the ship even before it was lost and even then it was like a force of nature. Her spirit was especially strong here in the room that he was currently in. He moved around her quarters looking at the various artifacts that she kept there. He could feel her hovering, impatient, wanting him, wanting them to hurry up and get on with it. To do what he had promised her that he would do, to be at her side as she guided them through the Delta Quadrant. To help her get her crew home, to be there for her……

Always.

He brought he PADD that he had been holding in his hand to his mouth to make contact with it, intimate contact. It was cold, frozen, but he felt it warming up as his lips were blistering with the frost. He was infusing life into it, just as they would infuse life to this ship. He brought the PADD down to look at it. It was dark, the power cell on it burning out years ago. He didn't need to infuse the PADD with power to know what the most recent data file on it was. And he didn't need that knowledge to remember why it was here instead of in his quarters or in his office. He kept the memory alive for fifteen years, freezing in time how he was and how they were then.

* * *

_**The Past**_

The first thing he noticed were the candles, they were everywhere. Then there was the smell of dinner. He didn't think that they were going to have any so that when the smell confirmed it, it caught him off guard. It was a good thing that he was so intent on going over the data on the slip stream strive that he had missed dinner. He didn't think that they would be celebrating anything tonight.

"Commander, I hope you've got an appetite." Her voice seemed soft and relaxed, but he could hear the edge in her tone.

"Famished, but I assumed you called me here to talk about the slipstream flight." Chakotay was holding his own PADD with the information that he had just reviewed.

"No reason to cancel our dinner plans. I've programmed a dish my grandmother used to make back on Earth…vegetable biryani." He took his seat as Kathryn poured Terrilian Ale. She was really celebrating. The clarity of the beverage let him know that it wasn't replicated. She must have had some in storage.

"Sounds delicious. I didn't know you could cook."

"Normally, I draw the line at a pot of coffee, but tonight is a special occasion."

"Oh?" He didn't need to say it, he already knew what her answer was going to be

"Our last night in the Delta Quadrant. I'd say that's special enough," It was softly said, with Kathryn giving him a measured look. Chakotay didn't know why. He knew her and she knew him. He knew that whatever the risk of getting home, she would take it and in this her blind spot he would act as her voice of reason. Or at least he would try, if she would listen.

"You've made your decision." Matter of fact, resigned to what is to come.

"We launch tomorrow at 0800. You and Harry will take the Delta Flyer. _Voyager_ will be right behind you."

"The crew will be pleased." That was the end of that, and he was hungry so he spread the napkin on his lap and began to look forward to his meal.

Kathryn rested her head on her elbows, her eyes never leaving him. "What about you, Chakotay? What do you think about my decision?" Her voice didn't increase, and she didn't seem to be preparing to battle with him. She was watching him, gauging him. Whatever she decided, she was the Captain, but he knew this was her blind spot. Kathryn for her part didn't care that this was the area in which she had made most of her mistakes. They were so close, too close to home for the first time in a long while and Kathryn could _feel_ it. This _was_ going to work. She was going to get them home. This wasn't beyond her and her crew. They had outsmarted the Borg and manipulated species 8472, what was one short flight. They would make it. They always have and they always will. She made it so. She didn't want to fight him like she did in during that period, but she knew him and he knew her.

Chakotay picked up his PADD. "I've analyzed Harry's flight plan. The _theory_ is sound, but there are just too many variables. If something goes wrong in that slipstream..."

"It could be our only chance to use the quantum drive," Janeway reminds him.

"True, but if you showed this data to any Starfleet engineer they'd think we were out of our minds. We can find another way home. We've waited this long……" Always to bring her back. To be the contrary voice to what she wanted to do. To make her step back and to examine what she was doing, why she was doing it and how.

"Long enough," She hated this argument, because they had it so often. Sometimes it seemed to be the biggest ritual between them. But with 154 lives in the balance, it was a necessary ritual; a kind of safety protocol. It engaged every time she began taking what he considered extreme risks to get her crew home. "We've waited long enough. I know it's a risk...probably our biggest one yet...but I'm willing to take it."

"Are you with me?" Tentatively asked because she didn't want to be alone in this. When they got home, she didn't want to be the one to hold it over him that she was right and he was wrong. She wanted to be together with him for this. They had been through so much, worked together and apart. When they crossed the finished line, she wanted him to be at her side as he was in during the entire journey

In his gut, he wasn't, but there was something bigger at stake here. With no one to be hurt besides themselves if they failed, the risk was theirs and theirs alone. What was at stake now was not the fate of countless alien races, but the commitment that he made five years ago. That commitment resonated in his heart and it superseded his gut.

"Always." He placed the PADD on the table. It was over, tomorrow they would be home.

Kathryn let the tension out of her body slowly. No arguments, no disagreements, just quiet acceptance. He would be behind her as always. She got up and went around the table, her smile restrained, but her joy radiating outward, and whispered in his ear. "Speaking of risks...are you ready to try some home cooking?"

Chakotay smiled at her. "I'll alert Sickbay." Chakotay felt Kathryn touch his cheek briefly as she stared in his eyes and after a while she was gone. Chakotay stared at the viewport as she went to get dinner. He wondered what he would be doing tomorrow at that time. And what in his life to come would ever compare to the extraordinary journey he had made with this woman? Would he ever serve in the manner that he was serving now? It didn't matter. He had for five years and that was enough.


	2. Chapter 2

_**The Future**_

The strangest thing about it is that he never blamed himself for supporting Kathryn when she decided to go through with the flight, even though it ended up with all hands lost. He gave to her, his best and in that instance his best was support, just as sixteen years ago, his best was contradiction. Kathryn had taken bigger risks than the slip stream flight. It seemed that he luck had run out in the middle of it.

But they were here to change that. This is what she would do if she were in his place, he had no doubts about that. Time would not stop her from getting her crew home. She would risk everything, even her career and freedom to do right by the people who had been stranded in the Delta Quadrant because of her decision. And by extension so would he. Kathryn was a frozen corpse on the compacted bridge of Voyager, but she had arms and legs and a voice….his. Time would not keep _him_ from fulfilling his promise to her or the commitment he made to Voyager because of her. She _did _live on in him.

Chakotay watched the PADD in his hands again. He ran his fingers over it lightly as he remembered the occasion. A dinner like so many others and yet like no other.

One of the things he did when he first got back, after all the pomp and circumstance of their home coming, was to record everything that he could remember about Kathryn and their friendship. It was a way to fend the feelings of deep sorrow and profound loss that he felt in their disappearance, the disappearance of Voyager….again. Those logs supported him as they searched for the ship. And they prevented him from going over the abyss when Voyager was declared lost by Starfleet…..again. He remembered the entries.

He remembered them in it and it gave him courage and hope to persevere and to get to this point.

_When we first started our journey Kathryn and I had been strangers, tip-toeing around each other. We became the Command Officers and then friends shortly after. At the time of the slip stream flight, we were best friends. The Captain and the Commander became Kathryn and Chakotay. There were hints of intimacy, but we both knew that being who we were and running Voyager would prevent us from ever taking that step. But we took every other step but that one and in some ways we transcended that one step. We were so close the last set of months before the slip stream drive. She had successfully come out of her depression and it seemed that she returned to us more aware of how precious the family that we built on Voyager was. Right after that, dinner invitations that were normally given days in advance became spontaneous events where we would discuss…whatever. We use to enter each other's domain only when invited, but then at the end of the fourth year in the Delta Quadrant, we began to storm into each other's offices, quarters and lives uninvited because we knew when one of us needed to do that. The defining moments of our friendship were not only in the extraordinary things that happened to us, but in the ordinary. In the small moments that led to that one moment in time.

* * *

_

_**The Past **_

"Hungry Chakotay?"

"Famished, but I was going to go into the Mess Hall"

"You may not want to do that Commander" Kathryn made a face and Chakotay looked puzzled until a thought hit him. Then he looked downright scared.

"Don't tell me…."

"Yep" Kathryn confirmed it.

"This is the third straight day in a row, when will it end?"

"I have it on good authority that as of this meal, the stocks are finished and since we've passed that particular world light years ago…." Kathryn left the rest for him to infer.

"On second thought, I think I will join you." Chakotay stood behind her at her replicator. Kathryn followed him as he took his food to the table, and they were silent as they prepared to eat.

"How's B'Elanna?" So that's why she wanted him to join her. He was tired, but his eyes twinkled.

"We got through the memorial service OK, but it was hard for her. I've noticed that her wit is coming back; I've been threatened with bodily harm twice, so I think that she's on the mend."

At the mention of the service, his face demeanour changed slightly and Kathryn did not miss it. She reached across the table and put her hand on his arm.

"What about you? Are you on the mend?" she asked softly

"What do you mean?" Chakotay looked perplexed.

"You didn't have a memorial service before, Chakotay, so I know that your grief is a little more intense now." He looked down. He should have known better that this would not have slipped Kathryn's attention.

"It is." He said it simply and continued eating. Kathryn removed her hand and did the same. The silence was absolute, but still comfortable. Chakotay marvelled at that. The pain of his loss was there and he knew that Kathryn could see it, but he didn't withdraw. With Kathryn as they were now, he could just be; no matter what he was feeling. It was a great gift.

With that thought, he suddenly looked up and caught her studying carefully.

"When we get back home, I'll visit the cell hideouts, where they fell. I'll say my goodbyes then and there."

"If it's OK with you, I would like to join you when you go."

That surprised Chakotay

"Why?"

"They were special to you and as your best friend they're special to me."

"I'd like that. I wanted to invite B'Elanna, but that may not seem like such a good idea and I know I didn't want to go alone."

They continued eating. When they had finished, Kathryn very quietly said, "Tell me about them"

The memories came back to him with her words. The people that he had risked his life with and for, the ones for whom he had become an outlaw became real and he began to describe them to Kathryn as if she would meet them someday.

He felt the pain ease a bit and his spirit became lighter. When he realized this, he stopped in mid sentence and gave a big smile.

Kathryn looked at him curiously.

"What?"

"Nothing" and he continued his story.

Now he knew for certain why she had invited him for lunch and he was grateful that he took her up on her offer.

* * *

"You kissed her?"

"Well actually she kissed me at first, but she was so good at doing it, that I just had to reciprocate."

"Let me ask you something Chakotay. What's wrong with the human female that you seem to fancy the ABOTW?"

"The ABOTW?" Chakotay looked at her questioningly. He was sprawled out in the armchair in her quarters eyeing Kathryn on the couch. He was still in uniform, while she was in civvies. They looked like comfort clothes and indeed Kathryn looked very comfortable as she sat with her legs tucked in under her. He had gone to her quarters after dinner, when he saw that she didn't appear in the Mess Hall. It was odd, there was no special reason, he just wanted to talk to her and Kathryn for her part had sensed this, because as soon as she saw him standing there, she invited him in.

"Alien Babe Of The Week" She supplied the full meaning to the anagram.

Chakotay burst out laughing. "Babe huh, you know what she looks like under all that genetic manipulation."

"But that didn't stop you from kissing her. Her human form was quite…sexy, I'll give you that but still…." Kathryn pouted her lips at that comment, and Chakotay laughed at her.

"I don't know if you're fussing like a mother hen, or if you're jealous." Kathryn leaned over and playfully smacked him lightly.

"It that's your taste in women, you'd better believe I'm just fussing." She gave a wide smile.

Chakotay continued laughing for a while and then sobered up as he thought of something

"It was kind of scary though, the way that we hit if off so fast. They certainly can imitate sexual chemistry well enough, can you image what they could do to hate, obsession and anger."

Kathryn wasn't in an introspective mood that night. As far as she was concerned, it was over and at least one species wasn't going to be hunting the humans down to kill them. At least she hoped so. But she wasn't through with Chakotay. She was just in that kind of mood that night.

"Is it that we're too complicated, or that human women are not complicated enough? Are we just a plain wrapped species? What?"

"Well if you must know.." Chakotay drew himself up at that and stared at Kathryn earnestly.

"It's a way of exploring. You have to admit, when you're in an intimate relationship, you'd better under the others customs by doing it, and others way of life by living it, or else you're not going to make it."

"Hmmm" Kathryn looked at him amused.

"What about you, you've never……"

"What? Dated outside of my species? No."

"See, there are all sorts of first contact situations that you have missed out on."

"I will admit though, it would have been interesting to pursue a relationship. I wonder how she would have handled being a paired human female."

"And I know…." Chakotay had been speaking so freely to Kathryn as his best friend that the thought almost slipped out of his mouth. He stopped and started again. "Never mind that, Kathryn it's getting late……."He got up to leave. He must have been too comfortable and if he were to follow the tract that he was on now, he was going to make them a lot more uncomfortable.

"Chakotay….." Kathryn got up with him and touched his arm as he stood up.

"And you know that you could have used the intimacy to fill the need to be with somebody physically." She finished for him.

Now he was a little embarrassed and it took a while to look at Kathryn. But when he did, he saw a small sad smile on her face and he really didn't know if she was seeing him or remembering something.

"I know Chakotay." Now, her eyes focused on him and she held him in her gaze. She put her hand on his cheek.

"Good-night Chakotay."

"Good-night Kathryn." It was time to leave. That much he did know. He turned away but Kathryn's voice made him turn back.

"Don't forget, you're not alone. You have me as I have you. I know it's hard to believe right now with everything you've gone through, but you'll find that special someone one day and when that day comes I'll let you go, knowing you are where you are supposed to be."

_Funny, I though my place was by your side _

_Always_

_Isn't that where I'm supposed to be?_

He chased the thought as Kathryn said

"Sleep well my friend" She communicated her care in her voice

He gave a small smile and left.

* * *

"Chakotay!"

With her utterance of his name he stopped and waited in the corridor until she caught up with him. When she did, she didn't miss the look of concern on his face.

"May I talk to you for a moment?"

He was just in front of his quarters and she didn't speak until he let her in. Kathryn did something unexpected at that point. She positioned herself on the couch. Chakotay stared at her for a little while, puzzled and then realizing that whatever it was she wanted to discuss, it would take a while, he went to the replicator.

"Coffee?"

"No thanks." He wheeled around and stared at her, surprise marking his face.

"No!"

Kathryn smiled at his reaction. "I've had enough and I'm having trouble sleeping, so I want to make sure that I get some rest tonight."

"Anything else?"

"Tea , would be nice, you know any fruit blends?"

"Computer, one cup of spiced tea and one cup of cranberry tea." Their drinks materialized from the machine and he gave Kathryn her cup.

"What's on your mind."

"I tried to call you for the whole afternoon, but I kept getting the privacy lock."

Chakotay frowned. "Why didn't you override it?"

"Because the only time you ever engage privacy locks is when you're dealing with a personnel crisis. You don't even do it when you're off duty."

"I don't huh, I never even realized that."

"I'm good with patters of behaviour, except my own of course" Kathryn gave a small smile.

"How's Neelix" She continued. Now Chakotay was truly puzzled.

"How did you know?"

"I had a feeling that the events of the past week would be weighing heavily on his mind so I asked the computer where he was when I found that I could not enter your office."

"It was that obvious."

"I don't know if you know, but Neomi found out about her mother's shuttle being lost when she wandered on the bridge. Neelix never got a chance to tell her."

Chakotay was uncharacteristically quiet and Kathryn knew why. He knew because that was the reason that Neelix had come to see him during the afternoon. Neelix needed to unburden himself when the possibility of becoming Naomi's guardian because of a tragedy became real the past week. He may have had to deal with the fact that his grief over losing his family the way that he did was now a little rawer than it was before and it was on this point that Kathryn needed to talk to Chakotay.

Kathryn put down her cup and looked at her first officer. He was quietly sipping his tea, but his face had a trace of sadness that she hadn't seen before.

"Chakotay," he looked at her. "Is Neelix in danger?"

That would be the one reason that she would have come to his quarters and gently prying into what was going on with Neelix. Everything else he knew was confidential, but if Neelix was in danger of hurting himself or someone else, the Captain needed to know.

"No, I would have told you if he were." Chakotay put his cup down and his eyes made contact with hers.

"I just wanted to make sure that you wouldn't keep it to yourself in the name of doctor/patient, friends privilege or even try to deal with it yourself."

"I wouldn't do that Kathryn, if there was any indication that Neelix was suicidal again, I would have told you."

Kathryn nodded and continued sipping her tea and Chakotay began doing the same. She was still watching him though, and he had the feeling that there was still something else. Kathryn finished her tea and put the cup down.

"I also wanted to know how you were doing."

So that was it. Chakotay was genuinely touched by her concern. That was the reason that she had gone out of her way to meet him in his quarters. To see for herself how he was doing.

He smiled and it was a big one. "I'm fine. Are you going to be coming to see me every time I handle a personnel crisis?" His eyes twinkled.

Kathryn stood up and was serious as she said.

"Only the ones that have to deal with you becoming the _Messenger of Great Mother for our Tribe_" She held him in her gaze and Chakotay's hand shook as those words pierced him. Some tea splashed on his hand as his whole body shook momentarily. He wiped it away quickly on his uniform and stood up to meet Kathryn in her personal space as was his custom.

"What did you say?" He demanded an answer from her, his voice raspy as the implications of what she had just said came to him all at once.

"That is what you are becoming, what is happening to be, what you **_know_** in your soul is what needs to happen to you."

Chakotay turned and walked two steps away from her, and then stopped suddenly. His breath was ragged and he was panting as he struggled to hear in his heart the words that she was uttering. To let them sink in. Because they were like hot coals burning in his being, yet the fire that she had ignited with her words was not consuming him, but transforming him. It was **_right,_** but he was scared; he was embarrassed and he felt unworthy of the gift that she spoke about; embarrassed that the knowledge had come from her. But he knew in his heart of heart she was right.

For the second time in five years he had a moment of absolute clarity. This is what he was being called to be and for that reason he was struggling with the knowledge. The first moment told him what he must do, and all of his actions flowed from that commitment. The second moment was telling him what he must **_be_** and that was extremely difficult, especially when he looked at himself and realized his own broken-ness.

Kathryn stood still for a moment gauging his response. She was certain she was right and his reaction to her announcement confirmed it. She didn't know why herself, but it did feel right. Maybe five years ago, she would have just brushed it off as his belief and known in her heart that there was a scientific explanation for everything that was occurring right now. But in five years especially with Chakotay as her first officer, she had moved passed that. It didn't matter how she knew that she was correct, if it was pure gut instinct based on past observances, or faith, or a spirit at work as he would claim. The point was that she knew and she needed to communicate the information to him in the manner that would benefit him the most.

"Do you know what you're saying?" He asked in a croak, his voice unsteady.

Kathryn walked around so she could face him. His eyes were closed and his fists were clenched. He was fighting the knowledge every step of the way. That was OK. What was important now was that she said these things to him. She was silent.

Chakotay had heard her come around and was waiting for her to speak. But she didn't, and he knew what she was waiting on. Slowly he opened his eyes and met her expression. It was one of encouragement and it gave him hope.

"I remember you said that Kes was our Great Mother Messenger during the first part of our journey during her farewell service. I remember thinking that whoever was next was going to have great shoes to fill. When the crew began this….Year of Hell, when we entered Borg space and you helped Harry, Neelix, me and B'Elanna deal with their emotional crises I knew who Great Mother had chosen to begin filling those shoes. I also did a little research. Normally the messenger is female and older, but her wisdom is the key. The members of the Tribe flock to her because they know that she is guided by the spirits of the ancestors. She is the physical medium by which the wisdom of the ancestors is communicated to the Tribe."

"You think I'm wise Kathryn?'

"If by wise you mean sensible and able to learn from your mistakes and impart that knowledge to others, I say yes." She saw the doubt in his eyes.

"You have also display all the other characteristics of a Messenger. Strong character, unwavering in faith, kind, compassionate, a person who looks beyond the superficial, refutes lies in all forms and sees the truth, no matter how ugly it may be." Kathryn gave a wry smile as she thought back to the months before.

"I have first hand knowledge of that last one." A smile tugged on the corners of his mouth. Kathryn reached out and touched his cheek, communicating her support.

"I know that now that the knowledge is out you will begin to question and to journey. I know that you'll pray and reach within yourself to find the resolution that you need. Maybe you will decide this is your calling or not as I don't know what else it requires besides what I've read. But I do know that whatever happens, you will always stand with any member of this crew in their time of greatest emotional need when asked and that's enough to qualify you as Messenger in my book."

"I came here to remind you that whenever the burden is great, that I am here. We are in this together Chakotay and**_ I_** am with **_you_**………

**_Always._**

The wry smile that was on her face became a shy one, tentative and finally a large one with wonder in it. It communicated to him the gift that he was to her ship, this mission, its crew and then to her. His hand held hers at his cheek for a moment and then they both let go.

"Good-night." With that she turned and left.

Chakotay could not speak. His heart was too full.

* * *

_**The Future**_

Two moments of clarity in five years and for the next fifteen years he felt as if he had been drifting, with no clear purpose, with no clear goal until Harry contacted him. There was Tessa. He loved her dearly, but not as he could have or even as he should have because a significant piece of him was still here frozen in time. Maybe this was not one of the wisest decision he ever made, but as he put the PADD in his chest pocket, he just knew that it was something he had to do. He made his way to the bridge.

And so it would end. As he put his hand on Tessa's, he prepared to depart this life and go into the next. There was still a profound sadness in that acceptance. They had failed. His arm compressed the PADD in his pocket and he felt it warming against his skin. In the 2nd second he felt something else. Hope coursed through his veins as he felt pulled back. He knew all was as it should be. With his last thought he wished Tessa well in a life where she never met him, but he was joy-filled of the prospect of going back where he knew he was destined to be.


	3. Chapter 3

_**The Past**_

"Dinner Plans?"

"Nothing special, just a date with a replicator."

"Cancel it, that's an order" Chakotay's eyes were twinkling when he said it.

Kathryn shivered remembering that last time.

"Déjà vu?" Chakotay asked innocently.

"Didn't we have this conversation before?" She looked at him for confirmation. He nodded.

"Roles reversed, and I wanted to have it again, my quarters this time, 19:00 hrs?" His hands were on his waist and he stood in the same manner he would if he were addressing one of his employees.

"Yes sir" She said with a mock salute and she left the bridge to go off duty.

When she entered his quarters, he did a double take. She was in civvies; a beige flowing pants suit and she had done something special with her hair. It framed her face differently, but it highlighted her cheek bones which were accentuated with just the right amount of colour which matched her lips. Seeing the surprise on his face she blushed slightly.

"I hope that this isn't too formal for what you have in mind?"

"Well I did ask you to cancel your date with a replicator, but I didn't realize that implicit in that dinner invitation was casual attire."

She gave him a bemused look

"I asked you to dinner Kathryn," he continued, "however you wanted to show up is up to you."

Grateful that he didn't pursue the matter further, walked further into his quarters and placed something on the coffee table in his living area. Chakotay was still at the replicator putting the finishing touches on their meal, but he didn't miss her actions.

"What's that?" He asked returning to the dining table with a large bowl.

"Just something for after dinner. What's for dinner, it smells wonderful." Kathryn seated herself at the table as Chakotay lifted the cover off their meal.

"Mushroom soup, made out of mushrooms that I grew in the areoponics bay," Chakotay said with a flourish. Kathryn's eyes lit up.

"You made it! With real mushrooms from your garden?" She exclaimed in wonder, as he served her some and poured the wine that he had chilling in a bucket on the table.

"What's the special occasion?"

"At first it was supposed to be our victory celebration for reaching home, but I thought about it and the Mushrooms wouldn't last another 40 years." His eyes were playing with hers. Kathryn looked down and dipping her spoon into the soup said,

"OK, here goes." And took a sip. The flavour exploded on her tongue and there was a kind of mystery to it that she couldn't place.

"This is delicious Chakotay." She took another sip and he broke a piece of bread and gave it to her.

"I don't think that this is supposed to be eaten like this, but here is some Macra bread, it will have an interesting taste when you dip it in the soup and eat it"

It did. Kathryn and Chakotay continued eating and Kathryn found herself relaxing in the silence. It wasn't totally silent, as Chakotay had Kitarian music playing softly in the background. The particular piece was particularly soothing and the lead instrument that sounded like a terran flute played a particularly haunting melody. She finished eating first and as she waited for Chakotay to finish, she sipped her wine lost in thought. Chakotay had been getting up throughout the meal to replenish wine, soup and bread and when he got up when they were finished she asked if she could help clear the table. He agreed and after he put some dishes in the replicator, he pardoned himself and went into his bedroom.

Kathryn was seated at the table when he returned, and after taking his seat he slid an object towards her. It was a penny. Kathryn beamed.

"You were quiet at dinner." He started.

"I was hungry and I enjoyed it immensely." She told him by way of explanation. He was quiet, his eyes on her face searching. After about a minute of silence, Kathryn continued.

"I put in my daily log that there was a renewed sense of hope, now that we will make it back to earth in this lifetime and it's the truth, I do feel it….but this whole thing has me a little unsettled. Chakotay,…." Kathryn rested her chin on the clasped hands, elbows on the table and pinned him with her gaze, "Why didn't you appose my decision a little more?" Her eyes were pleading and he realized that she trying to understand his actions, because she understood hers all too well. She took a chance and she was accustomed to taking chances, but she was not accustomed to failure, to her luck running out and she was trying to understand if she could trust him to save her from herself.

"Last time, we almost came close to me relieving you from duty. But this time there was barely a fuss. Don't get me wrong I was grateful, I didn't want to have someone believing that this was a bad decision at the helm of the Delta Flyer, but it was in the back of my mind and now finding out what happened……"

"You want to know" Chakotay finished for her. He leaned back in his chair and sipped his wine.

"We've taken big risks before, like our alliance with the Borg, our first slip stream flight and we've always managed to come out all right. You have an uncanny ability to beat the odds Captain, with only our own lives at stake in this instant, I decided to trust in your ability. I had to say my piece in your quarters just to ensure that you knew what you were getting into."

"But I was wrong this time, wasn't I Chakotay?" Her voice was hollow.

"Yes you were. You know from the beginning I've been trying to get you to understand is that it's the journey that's more important than the destination. If Harry Kim wasn't so changed by being on this journey, if he didn't see how important it was for everyone to make it home, not just himself, he would have never set things right."

"I keep thinking about that." Do you know how many directives he would have broken in order to go back in time to save us? Voyager must have lost all hands for Harry to risk his career and his very life to save us. He has given us a second chance; he has given _me_ a second chance."

Kathryn paused for a while and fixed him with her gaze. She smiled,

"And I don't think he acted alone."

"Neither do I." Chakotay answered her returning a small smile of his own. He had been thinking about it. If Harry made it back in one piece, then most likely he did too, and he knew that he was there helping him save the lives of 150 men and women and one child who had become his family. Given the promises that he had made to Kathryn, he knew that no matter what future he ended up in, he could do nothing else.

They were both silent for a while and then Chakotay leaned forward and studied his Captain.

"How was Harry when you saw him and gave him the message?"

"He was in the Mess Hall with slip stream calculations and with a cloud of guilt hanging over him."

"Did you say anything to him?"

"I told him that he should focus on what matters instead of what could have happened; sometime, somewhere he came through for us, he made up for his mistake…..and mine."

"Well then Kathryn, why are you feeling guilty? He gave you a second chance, be grateful and don't waste it." Chakotay smiled at her.

Kathryn did indeed feel as if the fog was lifting, "I thought you were supposed to be asking me to step out of myself in my blind spots and we all know that getting the crew home isn't a just a blind spot for me…"

"It's a void area of space, I know" Chakotay finished for her, "But…." He took the time to pour some more wine and collect his thoughts. "You're still the Captain and you will always have the benefit of the doubt when you're taking risks. As long as we're the only ones who will get hurt from our risk taking and it isn't unreasonable, then I'll act as your conscience and the final decision in the end, will always be yours." He took a drink after he finished speaking.

"You wouldn't stage a mutiny and upstage my authority when I get too out of hand?" She was smiling, but she already knew the answer to that question. He on the other hand was dead serious.

"I would never do that, if we are going down, we are going down together." He uttered those words quietly and they fell into silence.

After a while he said gently, "You brought something for after dinner?"

"I have a favour to ask"

"Name it"

Their friendship had evolved to this place.

Kathryn felt peace in the knowledge that no matter what, he would always be there and she was certain, even if they got home tomorrow and went their separate ways they would still always be there for each other in whatever way the other needed it. She got up from the table and back with a portable holo-projector and a book. Chakotay recognized the book with his ancestral mark on the cover. He looked questioningly at Kathryn.

"I've been re-reading this letter almost every day this week and I can hear you speaking the words in my mind when I do. In it, you've said that you wrote this because you didn't know if you would have the eloquence to say it to me face to face. I'd like you to read this and store in this holo-projector. I wanted to be there when you read it. I can't explain it, but I need to hear these words spoken to me in your voice and to see your image when you speak them."

His expression was a soft one when he took the book. His eyes met Kathryn's and with her uncertain look he answered with one of support. He held up his hand and realizing what he was doing, she took it, fingers entwined. With his free hand he started the holo-projector and began reading.

At first, he read a little haltingly but as the words began to sink in Chakotay remembered what had been behind the words and what had inspired his writing them. He then began to speak to Kathryn. Everything that they experienced was in that letter. And everything he believed. When he was finished, he smiled through his tears…….

because he realized that Kathryn was doing the same.


	4. Chapter 4

_**The Future**_

"How did she react?"

"She's angry, but with B'Elanna what else is new"

Chakotay looked at Kathryn sitting on her couch in her ready room. He was standing by the separator in front of it watching her with his palms flat down on the rail. During their discussion in the Ready Room she was calm as she heard both sides of the story, but somewhere between dealing with B'Elanna and now, she had thought a little bit more about one thing in particular and started stewing. He could see now that she had worked herself up to a state. B'Elanna was not the only one who was angry, Kathryn looked as if she would spit nails.

"She'll get over it, but will you?" His smile was faint and she almost didn't see it. The fact that he was laughing at her infuriated her even more.

"What's there to get over?" Her face was deadpan and got even more set in anger. Chakotay was resisting the urge to laugh out loud. "It was a command decision and I make them all the time."

"That's not what I'm talking about."

"What then?" Kathryn almost snapped.

All traces of a smile were gone off of his mouth as he matched Kathryn's expression in its intensity.

"The fact that I was willing to let Torres die over a principle and she is one of our most trusted officers, a member of our bridge crew and part of our immediate family of the Senior Officers."

Kathryn gave him one of her stares. That's when he started giggling out loud.

"Trying to intimidate me Kathryn, it wouldn't work, I'm not Harry and even if you meant it, you and I both know that I wouldn't back down nor tremble because of it."

Kathryn focused the intensity of her gaze. Chakotay lost it and began laughing outright. After he had recovered somewhat, he joined her at the couch. He did however give her a wide birth.

"Kathryn, firstly, I had to give the opposing view point, that's what a being a contrary means and it's easier when you believe in the position that you're taking. Secondly, I believed the Doctor would have come up with some way of helping B'Elanna on his own without Moset and that's exactly what he did. Thirdly, I could take that viewpoint without any fear because there was no way in hell you were not going to authorize the Doctor to continue treatment. You've done worst in the name of protecting your crew. And last and by no means least, I have no idea what I would have done in your shoes." Kathryn looked at him as if he had just beamed into the Ready Room disguised as a Bolian in a Tutu. Nothing really wrong, but you weren't sure what to do.

"That's one good thing about being First Officer after being the Captain. Most of the tough decisions are not on my shoulders any more. The toughest part of this job is saving Captains from themselves."

Kathryn was still looking at him strangely. He sighed and got off the couch. "I was going to ask you to dinner, but I think I'll wait, you might throw your plate at me. Let me know when you're not mad at me anymore."

Chakotay did not look back as he walked toward the Ready Room doors.

"Commander" He turned and it was his expression that was now inscrutable

"I will not be mad at you tomorrow night."

"Then we have a date." He said simply

"Stay out of my way until then, else I will throw something at you."

"Why?"

"Captain's prerogative. It comes with having to make the tough decisions."

Chakotay stood at attention and saluted her.

"Yes Ma'am"

He was rewarded with a smile from Kathryn as he exited.

* * *

_Be Boop_

Instead of calling for the computer to let the person in, Chakotay got up and answered his door. Kathryn stood there. She looked different. She was different after the last couple of days. What she had to do took a toll on her and she rode on an adrenaline rush of anger for the past week. The disappointment ate at her constantly and it was apparent to everyone who came into contact with her.

He did his job, quickly and quietly as did twelve other department heads and the third in Command of Voyager, their Security Chief. Everyone was on tip toe and best behaviour for the last week. It didn't help. Kathryn was on the war path. Everyone knew about it and the reason behind her behaviour so everyone tried to make up for what had happened. Except that they couldn't. Only one person could do that and right now he was sitting in the Brig.

Chakotay did not say a word, but stood aside and allowed Kathryn to come in. She did so without any comment. She stood and her gaze pierced him. He shifted on his feet for a couple of minutes. Finally he sighed; Kathryn was still glaring at him.

"Captain, is there something wrong?"

Kathryn's head snapped back a little when he called her Captain. Lately whenever they were alone together, he called her Kathryn. This was a bit formal, but given what had happened lately, maybe this was for the best.

"Commander there is an error in your report" She held out the PADD to him.

He did a curious thing then, he came around the back so that their shoulders were touching and using his right hand he grasped the PADD. Kathryn hadn't let it go.

"Show me." He gave the PADD his full attention.

"Here." She did and he scanned it, it was a minor error, one that she could have corrected and one which anyone could see was a typo. But pettiness could exasperate the situation so he simply said,

"I apologize Captain, I will fix it now." He tapped three buttons and corrected the problem. Kathryn had been holding herself rigid when he first touched her, but now he felt her relaxing a little. He moved away to face her and he saw that as he did this, she tensed again.

"Very well Commander, and in the future please don't hand in shoddy work, it's beneath you."

"As lashing out at me when you're still angry with Tom Paris is beneath you?"

"How dare you?" Kathryn's voice was like ice; lesser men than he had fallen just by the sound of that voice.

"It's my job to dare you as your First Officer. As you best friend, I do it because I care for you." Kathryn stared at him.

"You're mad at Tom, not so much for doing something that he believed in but for disappointing you. Up until now, his redemption was perfect and now you're wondering if everything that you went through with him was for nothing. And you're also mad at him for putting you in the position where you would have to possibly hunt him down and destroy him. For that you almost can't forgive him. But you have to and you will. Because that's what family members do when one of theirs screws up; they forgive and give them another chance."

"Surely you don't think that I should have gone easier on him, he broke the Prime Directive………" Kathryn gestured with her hands as she tried to complete her sentence signalling her impatience of having to explain the perfectly obvious to the Commander.

"No, I don't think that. Paris has got to learn that he cannot be lucky all of the time, and that all actions have consequences, even the ones done for the noblest of reasons. He also has to learn that he cannot be rescued all the time from those consequences. He'll be a better man for it when he's done."

"The question for you Kathryn, or rather the decision that is in front of you now; is will you let go of the anger and accept that Tom did what he thought he had to do even though it went against all of Starfleet principles, or do you let your anger consume you and stunt the growth that he is experiencing now, the growth that you've been cultivating ever since he was stranded here in this Quadrant?"

Kathryn's expression of anger had softened a bit. There was a look of thoughtfulness about her now. The edge was still there, but there was nowhere near the intensity that it once had. He put his hand briefly on her arm and left.

Kathryn sat on the couch lost in thought.

About half an hour later, she got up and was halfway to her bedroom when she ran into the wall. Then she began laughing. Little giggles at first and then she began tearing and shaking from side to side. She was in Chakotay's quarters. She was so lost in everything; the anger, the disappointment and the frustration that she had simply forgotten where she was and acted as if she were in her own quarters.

When she finally sobered up, she smiled for the first time in a week. They were that comfortable with each other that Chakotay just left her in his quarters. She had used that time to think about what she said and come to her own resolutions on the matter. He on his part trusted her not to snoop, though she had to admit, it was very tempting. He also trusted her to keep whatever she discovered about him to herself.

It was a great gift.

* * *

"I'm sorry Kathryn"

"It's alright, in my gut, I knew that he was going to betray me. But I had hoped…….."

"You had hoped that he would be sincere."

"It's been a long time since I had hope in that direction."

"Did you enjoy the game?"

"You know I did. And I had a great player as a companion. The sparks that flew Chakotay, it was all I could do sometimes. And once it wasn't enough"

"Oh!

"Don't worry, nothing happened. We just kissed."

"So I you decided to take up my suggestion and date outside of your species?"

"Let's just say that the opportunity presented itself and I took advantage of it in more ways than one."

"But not in the big way?"

"Never in that way, never risk your heart in a love game until you're absolutely sure and the other person is as serious as you are."

"Is that a hard and fast rule with you?"

"Yes it is"

"Then I will have to remember that."

"I wonder what it would have been like if he had decided to take me up on my offer. I do wonder if I would be able to be as good as a Captain if I were involved."

"I know you would be. The thing is that it would take a strong man, a very strong man to be with you in the day to day activities of your Captaincy. And don't know if he had such a good sense of self. If his arrogance was any judge, I would say no."

"Oh?"

"You would not hesitate to send him to his death to save the ship. The in the paradoxical nature you would not be able to live with the guilt of doing just that and will end up losing the ship anyway."

"And what about you, would you be able to send your wife to her death Commander?"

"No I would not. My Captain would have to do that for me."

"And risk you being mad with her forever, now would she do that?"

"For my good and the good of all the crew, she would risk it. She would love me enough to do that for me."

"Love!"

"Yes, love. There is a binding commitment of love when you captain a fine crew when you've been with them for a long time that you have become a family, when members pass up promotions so that they would not have to leave. They get to love their Captain and in turn, the Captain loves them. It is a love that is deep and not only does the Captain go down with the ship, the Captain and the crew function truly as one. One family committed to one goal and death cannot hold a candle to that. Whatever ensues, even if it's hate over a decision made, the love will always remain stronger, even if it isn't openly manifested.

"And what about the First Officer, what is he in this family, what is his role?"

"He is a conduit"

"Really!"

"He communicates, mitigates, balances and holds that love between Captain and Crew. It's an awesome responsibility in its own right."

"Did you sit down and think about this one day?"

"Nah, I just made it up"

"Good, because you've just given me a headache."

"Tell you what want to join me at Las Cuevas in the Caribbean for a swim. It will help your headache."

"You know, I think I will."

"But you know even if you just made it up there is some truth………….."

"Kathryn……"

"What Chakotay?"

"Lighten up."

* * *

"How is your patient doing?"

"I think we finally reached the turning point. I'm off to bed."

"Is anyone with him?"

"No, he asked to be alone. I trust that he can do that without doing harm to his program now"

Kathryn yawned as she reached the door to her quarters. Chakotay reacted as if on cue.

"I know you're tired, so sleep tight Captain." He turned to leave. Kathryn reached out to stop him.

"I'm not that tired Chakotay, come in." She yawned in the middle of a sentence.

Chakotay looked at her, "Repeat after me: _Got a minute to talk Chakotay?_ It's easy if you try." His face was deadpan, but his eyes twinkled.

She gave him a look, he chuckled and followed her in. She went to the replicator.

"Want anything?"

"No, I had something in my quarters."

Kathryn ordered hot tea and as Chakotay got comfortable, she sipped the tea. He studied her for a bit and then picked up the book on her table.

"One Minute Wisdom?"

"20th Century book. Tom Paris gave it to me of all people. It is a collection of thought provoking anecdotes about the nature of life for human beings. Somehow it feels appropriate to read it now. It's actually very easy to read and very good. What really fascinates me about it is it is as relevant today as it was 300 hundred years ago. I guess the more we change……." Kathryn let her sentence trail as she took another sip of her tea.

"I'm thinking of replicating it and giving it to the entire bridge crew."

"Year of Hell continues Chakotay; Neelix, myself, B'Elanna, Seven, Tom, the doctor. That leaves you, Harry, Tuvok before the year finishes."

"Don't put a hex on me Kathryn."

"hmm" She continued sipping her tea.

"It's funny how much he has changed since we first activated him. He has a personality now and a bedside manner. We didn't think that he would ever get that. He has friends and he has really grown outside of his defined parameters of operation."

"It's as you said. We've watch people evolve along this journey. Sometimes it seems that the strange new worlds that we discover when we're exploring are within ourselves."

"Perhaps that's the real reason that we Federation citizens explore space. Maybe it's in order to chart the possibilities of our existence."

"Maybe," Kathryn continued, "but sometimes I think the price may be too high."

"Discovering yourself and being true to who you are can never come at too high a price" Chakotay responded. "Kathryn….." He leaned over and gave her his full attention. "Why did you change your mind this time around?"

"Seven asked me if I would reprogram her if she were malfunctioning."

Chakotay whistled. "She's learning how to be human very fast. Her very first guilt trip; laid on the person who has functioned as her parent. I'd say she's graduated."

Kathryn gave him a stare before she continued. 'She was right you know, but I must admit there have been times the past week where I was beginning to doubt if he was going to make it through. There was something else that Seven told me that made me pause. She told me that if she could erase the past year, her time becoming human, that she would not."

Chakotay's smile was large. "Congratulations. You did it"

"Thanks. Don't ask me if I would ever do that again." Kathryn yawned through that statement. Chakotay got up and took the empty cup for her.

"On that note, bedtime." He helped her up and placed the cup in the replicator to be recycled.

"See you tomorrow 0:800 on the Bridge?" She asked as she walked him out.

"I've got first watch with the Doctor, I just want to check up on him to see if he wants to talk a little more. I'll see you at 10:00"


	5. Chapter 5

"May I join you Chakotay?"

He was startled out of his thoughts by her words but he nodded his reply and gestured to the chair next to him.

Kathryn sat down and as she did so she turned her attention on the viewport in the Messhall. It was one of her favourite solitude spots in the Messhall early in the morning and by chance months ago, she found out it was also his.

The stars streaked through their viewport as Voyager continued on their long journey home. Was it just yesterday that they were supposed to be home? It seemed like such a long time ago. They had found another wormhole….again. That had promised to take them into the alpha quadrant…..of course. And instead it turned out to be a large space dwelling organism that wanted to destroy them. A deception…what else was new.

If it had just stopped there, Kathryn would be in bed at 0:300 hours, she had been through that type of hope and disappointment so many times in their journey that another occurrence would not have given her pause except to see what she could do ensure that she was not deceived again. But this encounter had a random element in it that was great cause for concern in her.

The organism had tapped into their consciousness and had brought out their deepest desires about getting home as a way to deceive them into flying into the anomaly. It was what was portrayed to her that was causing her unrest. Mark was married, and yet she conveniently portrayed it as an engagement in her deepest desires. A marriage was harder to break away from emotionally, but an engagement was another matter all together. And that is exactly what her desires had manifested to her. Mark's broken engagement at the announcement that she was getting home.

Why was this her greatest desire? Wasn't she over him? Then why would she be so excited that he would break an engagement to be with her? Why would she even want to be with him if it were that easy for him to break commitments? And it was what followed that was truly puzzling. She was genuinely upset that Chakotay would take up a position with Starfleet Academy teaching. Why did his desires make her feel as if he was abandoning her?

The questions kept going round and round in her mind because of what they brought up about her relationship with Chakotay. They shared a level of intimacy that she knew few married people shared yet they were still uninvolved. Sometimes she thought that if they had been romantically involved from the beginning, they may not be as close as they were now. Sexual involvement with its accompanying feelings of jealousy, possession and monogamy may have inhibited instead of deepening their level of intimacy. With the refusal of the sharing of their bodies, it was a little less threatening to share their minds and souls. Just a little. But then in its nature, the relationship was incomplete, and unless the cycle was broken by him or her it would lead to it. They could only hold off the inevitable for so long.

And she knew that one or the other would break it. Too many lives were at stake here in the Delta Quadrant and no matter what Chakotay thought; she didn't know if she would be able to order her lover or even worst her husband to his death. Kathryn's face reflected a sad look. She was so lonely and it would be so meaningful, so self-revealing so _easy to be truly one with him_………

Something in front of her shifted and the colours of black, red and grey came into quick focus. Startled, Kathryn realized that she had stopped looking at the viewport and had been staring at Chakotay in the dim light. He had been turned away from her in the beginning, but sometime during her musings, he had turned back and he had been observing her, seeing her expressions as her thoughts were ran through her mind.

"We'll get home one day Kathryn, know that." He said it with conviction and this brought a smile to her face. He had mistaken the source of her sorrow and she was glad for that.

"I know that we will. It's not that, I was just thinking about the desires that the creature manipulated."

"So was I. It's just when I saw you look of sadness, I thought that there could be only one doubt that would cause it."

He stopped there and did not take the logical next step. And neither did she ask about his desires that were made manifest during the encounter. She knew in her gut, that as close as they were this was not something that they discussed for fear of making it all too real; at least on her end. She had no idea besides teaching anthropology what his deepest desires were, but she did know that they were his and his alone, until he decided, or _if_ he decided to share them with her.

After some time, he got up.

"I think I've been going around in circles enough, time to let it rest."

Kathryn joined him and she clasped him on the back and smiled

"You know Chakotay, I agree. Let's just be grateful this is over and let it go."

He put his arm around her waist and gave her a brief side hug. They moved off together as they normally did; she in front, he slightly behind.

* * *

He had known what she was about to do from the moment that she beamed back with fire in her eyes. He had seen the plan being formulated in her eyes in the morning and he had known that the sense of failure loss and bewilderment would make her turn back the minute that she knew that she could. He knew it just as surely as he knew that from the moment he saw her fidgeting with her combadge they were in for something risky and extraordinary.

He had argued, because it hurt to see her so disappointed. As far as he was concerned, Seven had made her choice. As had they all.

When they had first stared to encounter Borg cubes it was easy for the Captain to turn around and get out of harm's way. But the detours kept adding up and he knew that with each month added to their journey the Captains guilt was mounting and her patience was diminishing. He knew it was inevitable that she was going to come up with something to even the score between Voyager and the Collective. So she made her choice. And as much as it would have never been a course of action that he would have taken, he had chosen not to accentuate the risk involved with what she was purposing and had worked diligently to get the mission correct down to the minute detail. And now after pleading with the Captain to go on the mission, Seven had decided to stay behind.

He was angry with Seven for what she had done to the Captain.

But that anger disappeared when he realized that Seven may have been coerced by the Queen to leave Voyager. Then she became part of their crew again. Someone who needed the entire crew to rally behind her and rescue her from the life that she had embraced so that they may be spared assimilation. But they had to be careful, they were spared assimilation once. They could not afford to lax in their preparation believing that luck would prevent them from being assimilated again. One person in particular could not be so mad at the Collective that she became careless.

He had to remind her of that.

And she hadn't. She got Seven back safe and sound.

Her whole demeanour had changed and now Kathryn was back to normal. Looking at her across the table at dinner he could see that. She hadn't given him too hard a time about abandoning Seven in the beginning, because he suspected that she knew it was his reaction to how she was feeling about the situation. They just picked up where they left off, as if the whole incident and the days building up to it had never happened.

Sometimes, it's best that way.

* * *

"So it seems like we're now extended the Year of Hell for the Senior Officers."

"What are you talking about?"

"How's Harry?" Kathryn looked sad as Chakotay asked the question.

"In pain."

"As you were a year ago, when you got that letter?"

"Worse" Kathryn turned away from him. "He really loved Thal" Her voice was a whisper and he had to strain to hear her.

"I've left the reprimand in his file but I did go to talk to him. You were right, I just couldn't believe that this was my model bridge officer that had disregarded protocols and disobeyed my orders al because he was in love, there had to be another reason and he being under the influence seemed to be a thing to blame it on."

"Kathryn, would you have violated protocol to be with Mark?"

"Everyone in the book, Commander; I would have even resigned my commission."

Chakotay was in shock. He would have bet everything he had that she wouldn't for the love of a man. But she had considered it………for one man.

He concentrated on the viewport through which she was staring when she turned away from him. In the reflection cast by the Ready Room lighting, he could see the tears beginning to form. And he could see her fighting it as she always had, even in front of him. Maybe this was part of the reason that she was so hard on Harry. She wanted him to learn what falling in love could do to your Starfleet Career and how much it could cost. There were very few Starship Captains who were married and fewer had their wives stationed on Starships with them. The protocol book for dealing with that particular living situation was the same size as the one dealing interspecies protocols; three centimetres thick.

But Kathryn hadn't had time to even find that out. He wondered how they had planned to handle her career when they got married. But then this three week turn 70 year journey made it a mute point.

Kathryn stared at him through the viewport and because of a passing planet, he was able to see her looking right at him and caught her almost silent pleading.

"Sometimes it feels as if it will never stop hurting." She said quietly and with that he saw her control slip momentarily.

"When the time is right, it will. There is no cure that the Doctor can give you for what you're feeling right now, only friends to stand by you however you need them to, for as long as necessary."

She spent a moment in silence reflecting on the offer that he made.

"If you need me Kathryn, you only have to ask."

Chakotay stood a little while longer in silence and solidarity with her. Then without touching her, he left her in the Ready Room. He headed towards his quarters on his way to his office. He wanted to contact his spirit guide and ask her to be there with Kathryn in the way that he couldn't, because he knew instinctively that this time, Kathryn was going to need to face this on her own.

Kathryn's lower lip trembled and she allowed the tears to cascade down her cheeks as she mourned the loss of her life with Mark anew. It happened infrequently, and it was subsiding, the hurt was not as much as it was before, but it was still something she dealt with privately. Beside the night when she got the news, she let neither Chakotay nor Tuvok see her mourning Mark. She was glad that Chakotay instantly understood this; and she knew that he had by the way he left her alone. In the midst of the pain, she felt a profound gratitude. She may have lost her fiancé, but she gained a crew that was steadfast, a First Officer that she wouldn't trade for anyone and a best friend who knew her better than anyone else in her life.

She tapped into that feeling of gratitude and slowly the tears abated.

* * *

"Chakotay, you are alright. You are in your quarters and I am here. No one is hurting you, please listen to me, no one is hurting you." Kathryn spoke loudly in his ear to get his attention as he had been yelling throughout it all.

He stopped, out of breath as the words seem to sink in as he focused on her.

"Kathryn?" He asked confused, finally seeing her for who she really was.

"Yes it's me."

"I'm still delusional aren't I? The last thing I remember was the doctor injecting me here in my Quarters."

Relief flooded through Kathryn's body. His delusional fever was breaking.

"I can still hear them coming, they are hurting me. Make them stop. Don't let me become like my grandfather, don't let me lose my mind. MAKE IT STOP!"

"CHAKOTAY! It IS going to STOP, fight a little longer, you've past the worst of it.

That voice, he had found it once and lost it, now that he heard it again, he clung to it with all of his might.

'Kathryn, I'm scared, don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere." Kathryn's tone was resolute. Right now, the Borg Queen would have to materialize right there in his quarters for her to leave his side.

And when it seemed that he was sure of that, he stopped fighting and began sobbing, lost in his madness.

She held him and didn't let go. Her tears were flowing freely from her face. He was so confused and because of what he was experiencing, he was scared. It was one thing to know that aliens were manipulating your genes and that's why you were seeing and hearing things, but it was quite another thing to know that they had departed and your mind was still rebelling against you. Even knowing what it would entail when he began, did not prepare him for this. He had assumed that he could have done it by himself. She was glad that she had encouraged him to do otherwise. He did need constant supervision and the two women who loved him the most on the ship, even though they would be witness to this craziness, had volunteered to be with him during this period of time while his body began to deal with the overload needed to deactivate the gene.

While Kathryn couldn't speak for B'Elanna, she knew that she was finding out a lot about the man who is her first officer and about the things that made him the who he is, the journey that they had been through together and what he felt about her and their relationship, their friendship and their love. And in doing so she was finding out a lot about herself.

Eventually she realized that he had cried himself to sleep and since she had the full night shift watch with him, and they were on the bed already, she decided to get some sleep too. She carefully shifted and brought him down with her until they were lying side by side. She got as comfortable as she could without letting go and soon was fast asleep.

When Chakotay awoke, his eyes focused to Kathryn in his arms. He almost jumped out the bed in panic.

What the hell is going on?

Slowly realization came to him in snapshots of events…..awaking in sickbay….making a decision……being injected in his quarters with B'Elanna and Kathryn….screaming with Kathryn not to leave him……and the madness.

'_Oh good, she's dressed'_

That thought eased his mind somewhat that nothing inappropriate had happened. But suddenly out of the blue he was struck by how blessed by the Spirits he was to her as a captain and a best friend and he held her closer carefully, conveying his thoughts and gratitude for her. After a little while he released her a little and let her fall to the position that she was in before.

"You're welcome." Came the soft reply with a sly smile on her face.

"You could have indicated that you were awake you know?" Her eyes opened fully and she saw the smile on his face

"I wanted to see how you would react, waking up with a strange woman in your arms."

"Did I act the way you would expect?"

"Of course."

Chakotay sat up and swung his foot to the edge of the bed and stood up. Kathryn did the same on her side and walked around the bed to join him.

"How are you feeling, are you still delusional?" Chakotay concentrated. "I can still hear strange noises and voices, but I'm not seeing things" He scanned around. "Everything looks OK."

"Bee, Boop"

He went to answer the door.

B'Elanna stood at the other end of it.

* * *

Chakotay looked up and was surprised to see the Captain there.

"Sorry Chakotay, but you did invite me here at 12:00 hours for lunch"

"Computer what is the time?"

"12:07"

"You're early." Chakotay said in a deadpan voice.

Kathryn sat next to him on the blanket. There was a picnic basket next to him, so she knew that he was going to have lunch with her. He had been in meditation when she came in, that much was evident by his posture and by the fact that his medicine bundle was open. Kathryn realized that his was the perfect site for it. In front of her was an ocean, she couldn't place where exactly they were but the water was very dark for being close to the shore, so she figured it was the Atlantic Ocean. There was a small stretch of beach and sand, but the blanket was on the grass right before the sand. It was about mid-day in the simulation also. It wasn't hot, but it was warm although the sea breezes were no doubt keeping the temperature down. Kathryn followed Chakotay's example and took off her jacket and her shirt leaving only her vest on. As she put her jacket down near the medicine bundle she noticed that the Akuna was not there.

"What are you talking about? You did tell me at noon didn't you?"

"Yes, but you're always about 10 mins late to eat."

"Well, I'm glad to have broken the habit." Kathryn peered in the medicine bundle and saw a carving which she had never seen there before; it looked Klingon. And in the bundle were the usual stone and blackbird's feather.

"I didn't know that you rearranged the items in your medicine bundle" Kathryn said to Chakotay gesturing to the open bundle at his feet."

"Well, depending on what I want to focus on, who I want the spirits to embrace, I may put some things in the bundle and leave some things out."

"Still Worried about B'Elanna?" Kathryn gave a small smile and shifted her gaze to the Klingon icon.

Chakotay sighed deeply and he didn't smile. "I don't know Kathryn, sometimes it's hard to be B'Elanna's Commanding Officer and her friend. There is always something or someone that she's fighting against."

"I don't know, but I think she did an excellent job keeping her temper in check today."

"I'm surprised that you didn't send Tuvok down there to lead the mission."

"He was taken aback as well, but I felt it important that she be trusted to complete the mission even thought she has a short fuse and that she knows that I had faith in her. My faith was well placed. She completed the mission with no mistakes being made."

"I know….I guess, I worry too much."

"Because you care." Kathryn was smiling at him

"It seems there is no middle ground with B'Elanna, beginning of this year, she felt nothing and was trying to hurt herself, now she feels everything and reacts to most things in anger."

"Give her time Chakotay. I think the meditation sessions are helping if today is any indication."

"I agree, and I guess, I'd rather have an angry B'Elanna than one who didn't feel anything at all and was trying to hurt herself."

"So would I. So..." Kathryn shook him playfully on the knee and reached for the picnic basket, "I suggest we give B'Elanna some space, trust her to do right by us, stop worrying and eat lunch. Now do I have to make it an order for you comply?" Kathryn's eyes were twinkling.

Chakotay's stomach rumbled as if on cue.

"I think the answer to that is no Kathryn," And he joined her in taking out lunch.

* * *

_**The Present**_

"Happy Prixin" He raised his champagne glass

"To the journey" She joined her glass to his with a resounding clank

"Where did that come from?"

"From the heart. Want to open your present?"

Chakotay took the small parcel and shook it. It made no noise. He opened it.

"One minute Wisdom"

"I wanted you to have your own copy of it." Kathryn said. Chakotay opened the and read the inscription

_To my companion on the most extraordinary journey that I have ever made_

_Food for the Spirit as _

_Energy for the journey_

There was something sticking out of it, a small piece of card and Chakotay pulled it out.

"That's a bookmark. It stays in the last page you've read in order to keep your place, kind of like a pause button." Kathryn had uttered these words because she observed that Chakotay was looking stunned at the book mark

"I know what it is Captain, I'm just stunned at the image." Indeed he was, it was an image that he had seen just before entering her quarters.

"Is this a control for a recording?" Chakotay almost missed the flat control on the bottom right hand of the book mark

"Yes it is." Chakotay pressed it and at once Kathryn's voice came on; strong, sure, confident and always in control.

_Know this Commander, no matter what, no matter where,_

_As your Captain,_

_As your best friend,_

_I am there for you Chakotay_

**_Always._**

"Thank you Captain,….Kathryn."

The response was very soft, but as Chakotay looked in Kathryn's eyes, he found not her usual look of determination, but openness. She let him probe her and his eyes softened and his dimples jumped as he did so and read her commitment towards him.

"Where's my gift?" Kathryn said after a moment.

Chakotay laughed. "What if I didn't get you one?"

"Oh you did, here it is." She went over and picked it up from the table on which he had rested it.

"Well go ahead and open it." She did and when she saw what it was she burst out laughing and he joined her. The same image of the senior officers on 'Ancestor's Eve' that adorned his bookmark, was framed in an antique Victorian Frame with one slight adjustment.

"This is a control for a voice recording?"

"I believe you know the answer to that." Chakotay was smiling

"I guess all great minds do think alike…"

"Or all fools seldom differ." Chakotay retorted.

"You know the saying?"

"My father and mother used it enough times in my presence for me to know it by heart."

Kathryn was smiling as she pressed the control.

_Together we will make it remember that_

_But do not miss the journey for the destination_

_And know that as I have promised you, I am with you._

**_Always_**

"You were saying something about all fools seldom differ?" Kathryn asked quietly as she gave him his glass and she took hers

"I think the better adage would be……

"Two people committed to one cause share one mind." Kathryn Volunteered.

It was stretching it, but appropriate and it fit.

"To Home." Chakotay raised his glass.

"To Home." Kathryn's glass met his.

The End

**Part 14: Terra Firma**


End file.
